Our Tiny Harn Life: May 2018

Friday, May 18, 2018

Not that simple

"My spirit is weak within me; my heart is overcome with dismay." Psalm 143:4

"Answer me when I call, God, who vindicates me. You freed me from affliction; be gracious to me and hear my prayer." Psalm 4:1

I wrote a few days ago that I had been convicted of my social media use. It has become an idol in my life. Taking up to much space in my heart & mind. Social media can be great. I have met some good people & great friends through the use of different social media platforms, but it can also be a place of hurt.

It's not hurt caused intentionally by other people. For me, it's the hurt of comparison. It's seeing pictures of Mom's having fun w/ their kids & wondering why I can't feel that way too? It's wondering what is wrong with me?

It's all sorts of things that make me feel so completely inadequate in every aspect of my life. It's this gut-wrenching feeling of guilt every single waking hour of every day. Guilt that I'm not doing enough. Guilt that my kids aren't learning enough. Guilt that they watch too much tv. Guilt that we don't play outside enough. Guilt that they eat PB sandwiches every frickin' day for lunch because I just do not have the energy to argue with them about eating a dang vegetable. Fear of asking for help because I'll be judged. Fear of asking for help, because maybe the person I'm asking doesn't really want to help.

Today it occurred to me that I'm <maybe> struggling with depression.. and social media isn't helping. I am not blaming social media, but the constant stream of what comes across as constant happiness & perfection is just too much for my soul.

After Paisley was born I struggled with depression. I went to the Dr & she gave me Lexapro. I felt better. I eventually stopped taking them and all was well. After Aubrey was born, I had the same struggles. I got another script for Lexapro. I took them, and I felt better instantly... and then I stopped taking it. and started. and stopped. and started. and stopped.

I felt like this was just a hard season in our life, that we are going through some stuff, making some big changes and that's why I was anxious & short tempered. NOT because I was depressed. I didn't need to take the meds. But, actually, I do need to. I'm not a Dr. I don't pretend to be a Dr, I will see a Dr. in June.

Some people will not understand this at all. They will think it's as simple as not comparing my life with others and simply realizing that what people choose to show on social media is only a small sample.

Some people will think this is dramatic. That's fine. They are them and I am me. This is about me and where I'm at.

I'm sharing because this can be a really lonely and scary place to be. I know there are other Moms who have similar feelings but maybe that haven't been able to put it into words.

I'm leaving social media. I have to. I will still be here, writing. But I won't be on FB or IG, or anywhere. It's what's best for me. For my family. For our lives.

You can subscribe via email & that will alert you when I've posted something new. Otherwise, I'll see ya when I see ya.

xoxo

jena

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

He said No

I've been a Christian all of my life. I was baptized at a young age & grew up in the Church. I went to Sunday School, youth group, youth camps, conventions, etc, etc, etc.

I did all the things. But I've never felt like I had a relationship with Jesus. I believe in Jesus/God/Holy Spirit. I believe in The Word, but believing was about as far as it went.

I've never been able to quote scripture or really depend on the Bible in my day-to-day life. In the last several years I have sought God when I/we were going through a tough season. I would start a Bible study & start praying. As quickly as I sought God, I forgot God. I still believed, but I just stopped talking to Him and stopped reading His word.

That's been the pattern of my life for quite a few years now.

In my last post, I wrote about how I recently started attending a church. Again, the need for Jesus came from some feelings of desperation. I've been struggling with things for so long; certain situations have come to a head & they feel out of control. I can no longer do it all by myself.

For as long as I can remember several people in my life would say "Pray about it" when a situation would arise and I/we weren't sure what to do; I've always understood that praying is a conversation with God/Jesus, but it seemed that I was the only one doing the talking.

How do I know when our Lord is telling me something? Writing in the sky? A definitive sign? Flashing lights around the right answer? Like many people, I felt like I needed a physical SIGN showing me "right" answer.

Recently someone told me (or maybe I read it somewhere) that I could find God in the Bible (no kidding, right?) I would find the answers in scripture; which sounds nice but then the question of HOW presents.

How do I know where the answer is? The Bible is long and complex.

On May 7th I started a new Bible study called return to refuge - I'm following along with the ladies who write for the First 5 app the study focuses on the minor Prophets of the Bible (Nahum, Habakkuk, Zepheniah, Haggai, Zechariah & Malachi)

Twice in the past weeks, God has given me answers I've been looking for. I definitely didn't think I would find them in some Old Testament books but sure enough there they were.

In the book of Habakkuk, God said to me, "Be patient. I am working."

I have recently been thinking about a new business venture; I was sure it was something I wanted to do. I even told myself I deserve something that's just for me. I talked it over with Chris, and God Bless him, he was supportive. Even after the debacle that is/was Lularoe.

Last night I started to feel really unsure. Then this morning I was reading the first chapter of Zepheniah, and reading over/answering the questions in the study guide and God said No.

Jesus told me that these things were taking up "His" space in my heart/mind. They were becoming idols. He also showed me that social media & achieving the "perfect" body had become idols in my life.

I came across this verse when I was doing some more reading on idolatry, "Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs."

I have been searching for who I am for so long. It has consumed me. It has cost me a lot of time, sanity, and unfortunately a lot of money.

But who I am doesn't lie in the things of this world, and that gives me peace.

Sunday, May 13, 2018

Starting fresh

"He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God." 2 Corinthians 1:4 (CSB)

Hey Friends,

I've been longing to start writing/blogging again; for quite a while actually, but I'm never really sure what I want to write about. I go back & forth between wanting to keep my life more private & wanting to open up and share what we are going through in this season of life.

Sometimes I also find myself not writing because I don't feel I'm "good enough." "what do I even have to share?" "do I want to share THAT?" "THAT is my not MY story to tell."

Good enough for what? Who am I writing for? Myself. Jesus.
What do I hope to accomplish? I'm not sure.
A lot of back & forth in my head.

So, I don't know. I don't know where this is going to go, or what it's going to be.

Maybe I'll share scripture that speaks to me or a passage from a book that hit me right in the heart.

Today this scripture spoke to me about this space;

"He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God." 2 Corinthians 1:4

"He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us." 2 Corinthians 1:4 (The Message)

8 weeks ago I decided on a whim that I was going to go check out a church I had been driving past for 3 years. Chris told me to get out of the house for a little while to take a break - at first, I wasn't going to go. I was drowning in laundry and a million other chores but then I realized that THIS was my chance to check out this church.

I went. Pretty sure I cried through the entire service. It was the first week of the Celebrate Recovery sermon series. I knew immediately that God led me there for a purpose. On THAT day to hear THAT sermon.

I also knew that I would start going to their CR meetings when they started. I knew so deep in my heart that this was where I needed to be. That this was the thing that I had been needing in my heart.

Here's a quick overview of CR: Celebrate Recovery is a Christ-centered, 12 step recovery program for anyone struggling with hurt, pain or addiction of any kind.

Celebrate Recovery is a safe place to find community and freedom from the issues that are controlling our life.

Are you or someone you know struggling with...

I showed up at the first Friday night meeting feeling confident in my decision to show up. I struggle with Anger, Fear, Control, Anxiety, Body Image. I am not ashamed to admit that I struggle with these things. Life is hard. I am not perfect. But I know that with Jesus I can overcome all of these things.

It is so much relief to sit in a meeting and hear other women talk about how they are struggling with these same feelings. It's one thing to "know" that you aren't actually the only person that is struggling with something - but it's something entirely different to actually HEAR someone speaking in front of you about the struggles.

There are Celebrate Recovery programs all over the country. When I went to this church 8 weeks ago this was the first time I had ever heard of CR. I was talking to a friend about this and she had heard of it before. A few weeks later she invited me to testimony night at a CR where one of her friends was going to be speaking. The night after the testimony was the first night my church had their first CR meeting... Then I saw that the church where Paisley plays soccer also has a CR group. God has shown me continuously that this is where I'm supposed to be.

You can find a church in your area on the CR website . If you're interested in more information you can check out their website or you can e-mail me and I'll tell you what I know and find answers if I don't know. (e-mail me at JenniferL.Harn@gmail.com)

xoxo
jena