"My spirit is weak within me; my heart is overcome with dismay." Psalm 143:4
"Answer me when I call, God, who vindicates me. You freed me from affliction; be gracious to me and hear my prayer." Psalm 4:1
I wrote a few days ago that I had been convicted of my social media use. It has become an idol in my life. Taking up to much space in my heart & mind. Social media can be great. I have met some good people & great friends through the use of different social media platforms, but it can also be a place of hurt.
It's not hurt caused intentionally by other people. For me, it's the hurt of comparison. It's seeing pictures of Mom's having fun w/ their kids & wondering why I can't feel that way too? It's wondering what is wrong with me?
It's all sorts of things that make me feel so completely inadequate in every aspect of my life. It's this gut-wrenching feeling of guilt every single waking hour of every day. Guilt that I'm not doing enough. Guilt that my kids aren't learning enough. Guilt that they watch too much tv. Guilt that we don't play outside enough. Guilt that they eat PB sandwiches every frickin' day for lunch because I just do not have the energy to argue with them about eating a dang vegetable. Fear of asking for help because I'll be judged. Fear of asking for help, because maybe the person I'm asking doesn't really want to help.
Today it occurred to me that I'm <maybe> struggling with depression.. and social media isn't helping. I am not blaming social media, but the constant stream of what comes across as constant happiness & perfection is just too much for my soul.
After Paisley was born I struggled with depression. I went to the Dr & she gave me Lexapro. I felt better. I eventually stopped taking them and all was well. After Aubrey was born, I had the same struggles. I got another script for Lexapro. I took them, and I felt better instantly... and then I stopped taking it. and started. and stopped. and started. and stopped.
I felt like this was just a hard season in our life, that we are going through some stuff, making some big changes and that's why I was anxious & short tempered. NOT because I was depressed. I didn't need to take the meds. But, actually, I do need to. I'm not a Dr. I don't pretend to be a Dr, I will see a Dr. in June.
Some people will not understand this at all. They will think it's as simple as not comparing my life with others and simply realizing that what people choose to show on social media is only a small sample.
Some people will think this is dramatic. That's fine. They are them and I am me. This is about me and where I'm at.
I'm sharing because this can be a really lonely and scary place to be. I know there are other Moms who have similar feelings but maybe that haven't been able to put it into words.
I'm leaving social media. I have to. I will still be here, writing. But I won't be on FB or IG, or anywhere. It's what's best for me. For my family. For our lives.
You can subscribe via email & that will alert you when I've posted something new. Otherwise, I'll see ya when I see ya.
xoxo
jena
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I love you! Mom
ReplyDeleteHey kiddo, I get it too. I have stories.. You have most likely done the research on Social media and depression but here is one paragraph from something i read recent.,,,,Analysis
ReplyDeleteFrom the available studies and data, there seems to be enough evidence to establish that social media can contribute to depression. Social media usage is bound up with how we view and portray ourselves, in other words, it affects our sense of identity. While depression is not only emotional and spiritual, experience working with youth shows that depression often comes with a lowered sense of self-esteem and self-efficacy. When youth base their identity on what others perceive, they develop a twisted version of their own worth, value, and capacity to be loved. This inaccurate view of self leaves teens vulnerable to things like Facebook envy and depression and cyber bullying. It causes them to look to the power of social media to heal our hurts and provide affirmation when they post our authentic or inauthentic selves for the world to see. And it causes them to experience frustration and disappointment when that power lets them down.