seclusion instills peace in my soul

This past weekend Chris & I took the kids up to his family's property in Levy County, which is sort of in Northwest-ish Florida. The property is located about 1/4 mi from the Suwannee River & is covered in beautiful pines, oaks & cypress tree with a small area that used to be a Peach Orchard back in it's prime.

The "cabin" is a 2 bedroom gem. I don't know the exact dates; the property appraiser website says 1969 so we will go with that; Chris' great grandpa H bought the property & built the small home for his family. I don't know this as fact; it's a version I've been told.

The walls are covered in antique pictures & wall art; owls, kittens, chickens & a wall hanging that displays a huntin' dog with a duck in its mouth.  The wood burning stove keeps us warm on cold nights; along with a few space heaters. There is also a window unit for a/c, but we don't visit when it's hot. The state bird (the mosquito) will carry you off in the summer months - or really any day when the temperature is above 65* - The woods cabin has turned into our winter retreat. We love going up on weekends when the daily high will be under 60. Bundling up & tromping around the old peach orchard and through the trails is among our favorite things to do as a family.

At night we light a fire in the fire pit & roast marshmallows for s'more. We pull the Adirondack chairs out of the shed for a cozy place to sit while we enjoy the fire and stargaze. The nights are so dark that you can see far more stars than we could ever see in the city.

When morning comes we bundle up & head off for the Treasure Camp; a restaurant with a few groceries & a boat ramp. We sit at the same table every time we go, the Michael Corleone table (Godfather, anyone.) I don't know why the tables have nameplates, but they do. Our table is at the back of the restaurant, closest to the river. On warmer days you'll see boats racing down the Suwannee towards the Gulf; this weekend though, there are no boats. It's really windy, cold & the river is higher than usual.

On this particular weekend, after breakfast, we headed into town to run a few errands. The water pump in the cabin needed a new part & we needed to get a few groceries for dinner. I generally try to pack all the food we will need, but in this case, we wanted steaks for dinner and I thought it would be better to buy them when we got up there. The trip to town is about 25 minutes (i just googled it; I would have sworn it was closer to 40.. it FEELS like 40.) each way, so, we try not to make it more than once.

After we return to the cabin we let the girls run around while we do random chores around the cabin. I'm straightening up from the previous night & Chris is fixing the well pump.

The days here are fast & slow. We move slower but time flies by. I often find myself thinking about what it would be like to live there. Secluded in the forest. My soul feels like it can finally rest here. My brain is free to dream. There are no to-do lists. I read as much as I can, I journal as often as possible. I go for walks with my family. I enjoy life. I contemplate why I feel so much peace here?

At the end of every trip, I find myself scanning real estate website searching for own own piece of paradise. Our own property in the woods where we can run away and hide from the drama of the real world.

Hello There! 


Much has changed since the last time I wrote! I didn't read the last post, so I don't even know what was happening but I'll fill you in on what's been going on over the last couple of months.

The biggest thing is that we sold our home in Lakeland!! It was on the market for 30 (very stress filled) days! In those 30 days we only had 4 showings - that alone was stressful. As the days drug on, and we had very little interest I continuously told myself "it only takes one."  It only takes one showing to sell your home. Plus a whole lot of prayer & guidance.

I only thought those first 30 days was stressful - The 30 days after we went under contract was even worse! Moving is not fun in a normal situation but our situation was ANYTHING but normal! Not only were we moving out of our home but we were moving into a travel trailer. a 36' travel trailer. 288 square feet, to be exact.

From a 2100 sqft house on 1/2 ac with a storage shed & a garage to a 288sqft travel trailer.  Yah. Bring.On.The.Stress.

Thankfully I had the foresight to sell most of our big belongings before we even listed our house for sale; it was the smaller stuff that drove me crazy!

Bye-Bye Crestwood Street 

Hello tiny livin'

We've been in the travel trailer full time for just about a month - We stayed in my Mom's house for the first month. We slowly moved our stuff into the camper & set up our new home.

I think we have adjusted pretty well - It's only been a month, so I don't have much experience under my belt....ask me in a few more months.

I will say that the hardest part, for me, has been sleeping. I sleep terribly. Aubrey is Aubrey. She's not a big sleeper. Her wake up time is 5:15am - every day, no matter what.

Other than that, I don't feel like a whole lot has changed. We have less stuff, a lot less stuff. We play outside. We play LOTS of playdoh! Color lots of pictures! Trips to the playground are fun. We love SeaWorld & we love playing with cousins & friends!

We LOVE SeaWorld! We took Liam with us for a fun-filled cousin day! 

We went camping in our pop-up for 4 days with our best friends the Kemper Fam 

Oh, and Paisley got a horse! His name is EZ! 

 We also spent 6 days in Daytona Beach when Daddy had to work in Port Orange! 

Overall, this has been a great move for our family! We are enjoying the intimacy that living in close quarters creates. The kids don't argue any more or any less. They have plenty of room to play. I think most people would be surprised at how much space they actually have & how much they actually need. They don't miss any of the toys we got rid of - mostly because they never played with them anyways.


It's been great catchin' up! See ya soon.

Harn's out.

Not that simple

"My spirit is weak within me; my heart is overcome with dismay." Psalm 143:4 

"Answer me when I call, God, who vindicates me. You freed me from affliction; be gracious to me and hear my prayer." Psalm 4:1

I wrote a few days ago that I had been convicted of my social media use. It has become an idol in my life. Taking up to much space in my heart & mind. Social media can be great. I have met some good people & great friends through the use of different social media platforms, but it can also be a place of hurt. 

It's not hurt caused intentionally by other people. For me, it's the hurt of comparison. It's seeing pictures of Mom's having fun w/ their kids & wondering why I can't feel that way too? It's wondering what is wrong with me? 

It's all sorts of things that make me feel so completely inadequate in every aspect of my life. It's this gut-wrenching feeling of guilt every single waking hour of every day. Guilt that I'm not doing enough. Guilt that my kids aren't learning enough. Guilt that they watch too much tv. Guilt that we don't play outside enough. Guilt that they eat PB sandwiches every frickin' day for lunch because I just do not have the energy to argue with them about eating a dang vegetable. Fear of asking for help because I'll be judged. Fear of asking for help, because maybe the person I'm asking doesn't really want to help. 

Today it occurred to me that I'm <maybe> struggling with depression.. and social media isn't helping. I am not blaming social media, but the constant stream of what comes across as constant happiness & perfection is just too much for my soul. 

After Paisley was born I struggled with depression. I went to the Dr & she gave me Lexapro. I felt better. I eventually stopped taking them and all was well. After Aubrey was born, I had the same struggles. I got another script for Lexapro. I took them, and I felt better instantly... and then I stopped taking it. and started. and stopped. and started. and stopped. 

I felt like this was just a hard season in our life, that we are going through some stuff, making some big changes and that's why I was anxious & short tempered. NOT because I was depressed. I didn't need to take the meds. But, actually, I do need to. I'm not a Dr. I don't pretend to be a Dr, I will see a Dr. in June. 

Some people will not understand this at all. They will think it's as simple as not comparing my life with others and simply realizing that what people choose to show on social media is only a small sample. 

Some people will think this is dramatic. That's fine. They are them and I am me. This is about me and where I'm at. 

I'm sharing because this can be a really lonely and scary place to be. I know there are other Moms who have similar feelings but maybe that haven't been able to put it into words. 

I'm leaving social media. I have to. I will still be here, writing. But I won't be on FB or IG, or anywhere. It's what's best for me. For my family. For our lives. 

You can subscribe via email & that will alert you when I've posted something new. Otherwise, I'll see ya when I see ya. 

xoxo

jena

He said No

I've been a Christian all of my life. I was baptized at a young age & grew up in the Church. I went to Sunday School, youth group, youth camps, conventions, etc, etc, etc.

I did all the things. But I've never felt like I had a relationship with Jesus. I believe in Jesus/God/Holy Spirit. I believe in The Word, but believing was about as far as it went.

I've never been able to quote scripture or really depend on the Bible in my day-to-day life. In the last several years I have sought God when I/we were going through a tough season. I would start a Bible study & start praying. As quickly as I sought God, I forgot God. I still believed, but I just stopped talking to Him and stopped reading His word.

That's been the pattern of my life for quite a few years now.

In my last post, I wrote about how I recently started attending a church. Again, the need for Jesus came from some feelings of desperation. I've been struggling with things for so long; certain situations have come to a head & they feel out of control. I can no longer do it all by myself.

For as long as I can remember several people in my life would say "Pray about it" when a situation would arise and I/we weren't sure what to do; I've always understood that praying is a conversation with God/Jesus, but it seemed that I was the only one doing the talking.

How do I know when our Lord is telling me something? Writing in the sky? A definitive sign? Flashing lights around the right answer? Like many people, I felt like I needed a physical SIGN showing me "right" answer.

Recently someone told me (or maybe I read it somewhere) that I could find God in the Bible (no kidding, right?) I would find the answers in scripture; which sounds nice but then the question of HOW presents.

How do I know where the answer is?  The Bible is long and complex.

On May 7th I started a new Bible study called return to refuge - I'm following along with the ladies who write for the First 5 app  the study focuses on the minor Prophets of the Bible (Nahum, Habakkuk, Zepheniah, Haggai, Zechariah & Malachi)

Twice in the past weeks, God has given me answers I've been looking for. I definitely didn't think I would find them in some Old Testament books but sure enough there they were.

In the book of Habakkuk, God said to me, "Be patient. I am working." 

I have recently been thinking about a new business venture; I was sure it was something I wanted to do. I even told myself I deserve something that's just for me. I talked it over with Chris, and God Bless him, he was supportive. Even after the debacle that is/was Lularoe.

Last night I started to feel really unsure. Then this morning I was reading the first chapter of Zepheniah, and reading over/answering the questions in the study guide and God said No.

Jesus told me that these things were taking up "His" space in my heart/mind. They were becoming idols. He also showed me that social media & achieving the "perfect" body had become idols in my life.

I came across this verse when I was doing some more reading on idolatry, "Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs."

I have been searching for who I am for so long. It has consumed me. It has cost me a lot of time, sanity, and unfortunately a lot of money.

But who I am doesn't lie in the things of this world, and that gives me peace.

Starting fresh

"He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God."    2 Corinthians 1:4 (CSB)

Hey Friends,

I've been longing to start writing/blogging again; for quite a while actually, but I'm never really sure what I want to write about. I go back & forth between wanting to keep my life more private & wanting to open up and share what we are going through in this season of life.

Sometimes I also find myself not writing because I don't feel I'm "good enough."  "what do I even have to share?" "do I want to share THAT?" "THAT is my not MY story to tell."

Good enough for what? Who am I writing for? Myself. Jesus.
What do I hope to accomplish? I'm not sure.
A lot of back & forth in my head.

So, I don't know. I don't know where this is going to go, or what it's going to be.

Maybe I'll share scripture that speaks to me or a passage from a book that hit me right in the heart.


Today this scripture spoke to me about this space;

"He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God."  2 Corinthians 1:4

"He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us."  2 Corinthians 1:4 (The Message)

8 weeks ago I decided on a whim that I was going to go check out a church I had been driving past for 3 years. Chris told me to get out of the house for a little while to take a break - at first, I wasn't going to go. I was drowning in laundry and a million other chores but then I realized that THIS was my chance to check out this church.

I went. Pretty sure I cried through the entire service. It was the first week of the Celebrate Recovery sermon series. I knew immediately that God led me there for a purpose. On THAT day to hear THAT sermon.

I also knew that I would start going to their CR meetings when they started. I knew so deep in my heart that this was where I needed to be. That this was the thing that I had been needing in my heart.

Here's a quick overview of CR:  Celebrate Recovery is a Christ-centered, 12 step recovery program for anyone struggling with hurt, pain or addiction of any kind.

Celebrate Recovery is a safe place to find community and freedom from the issues that are controlling our life.

Are you or someone you know struggling with...

• Addiction
• Anger
• Codependency
• Eating Disorder
• Food Addiction
• Love & Relationship Addiction
• Physical-Sexual-Emotional Abuse
• Alcohol / Drug Addiction
• Sexual Addiction
• Gambling Addiction

I showed up at the first Friday night meeting feeling confident in my decision to show up. I struggle with Anger, Fear, Control, Anxiety, Body Image. I am not ashamed to admit that I struggle with these things. Life is hard. I am not perfect. But I know that with Jesus I can overcome all of these things.

It is so much relief to sit in a meeting and hear other women talk about how they are struggling with these same feelings. It's one thing to "know" that you aren't actually the only person that is struggling with something - but it's something entirely different to actually HEAR someone speaking in front of you about the struggles.

There are Celebrate Recovery programs all over the country. When I went to this church 8 weeks ago this was the first time I had ever heard of CR. I was talking to a friend about this and she had heard of it before. A few weeks later she invited me to testimony night at a CR where one of her friends was going to be speaking.  The night after the testimony was the first night my church had their first CR meeting... Then I saw that the church where Paisley plays soccer also has a CR group.  God has shown me continuously that this is where I'm supposed to be.

You can find a church in your area on the CR website . If you're interested in more information you can check out their website or you can e-mail me and I'll tell you what I know and find answers if I don't know. (e-mail me at JenniferL.Harn@gmail.com)

xoxo
jena