don’t stay gone so long next time

 "We're almost to the cabin girls, just a few more minutes" I tell my girls as we turn onto that last county road that will take us to our weekend destination. 

A few more minutes and I start looking for landmarks that will show us where to turn off - sign for the restaurant, there's the church, next driveway is ours. 

Roll the windows down. Unbuckle car seats, open the gate. 

We are here. 

It's been 4 years since my last visit to these magical woodlands. Paisley is the only one of our four children that remember this place. Aubrey was 2 during our last visit. Our other girls, Riley & Bailey were just a twinkle in our eyes, not yet apart of our family. 

(Aubrey & Paisley during our last trip in 2019)

The girls rip out of the car the second it stops - they've been waiting for this. Paisley has been asking for years to go back, and Aubrey, who can't remember it has been anxiously awaiting to see all the things that Paisley has described to her. 

Paisley is asking to go to the Peach Orchard before we can even get Bailey out of the car. The peach orchard is a favorite; It makes a perfect track for racing their hobby horses. 

We unload the car (the cabin is just as I remember it. charming) and I take the girls down to the peach orchard. It's a short walk, and one we are comfortable letting them do alone, but it's been a while since they've been here, so they want someone to go with them this time. 

It's just as magical as we remember. I don't know why, exactly. It's an opening in the woods that has white sand tracks with trees in the middle like an island. From what I've been told, the kids used to ride ATVs around this area when they were growing up. (The kids being my husband's cousins.) 

(Paisley running through the peach orchard in 2018) 

I don't have pictures of the kids in the orchard from this trip - I've been very deliberate about leaving my phone behind. 

I'm not going to detail the weekend minute by minute - but we had a wonderful time. It's SO quiet here. So quiet. At home we live at the intersection of a very busy road. Traffic & horns all day every day. It's dark. So dark. We live in the country but it's not that dark. It's not woods dark. We can see so many more stars here at the cabin in the woods. 

Bailey got absolutely filthy but she loved crawling through the dirt, eating sand & going on hikes with Mom. 

I don't know what it is. What makes this spot in the North Florida woods so magical. The lack of cell service? We have none. My phone said SOS all weekend. The absolute quiet? The togetherness. There's nothing to do but be together. To hike together, to sit around the fire together, to just be together. There's no TV. There's no wifi. There's no cell service. We are completely disconnected. 

The kids don't even mind the lack of TV. I took the TV down off the wall at our house a couple of weeks ago, so it's not something they even thought about or missed.

They spent all their time looking for trees to climb, running around on their hobby horses, hiking the trails and riding the golf cart with Daddy. 

All good things must come to an end, but not before we headed across the road to our fave breakfast spot. We've outgrown our favorite table. It sits on the back wall; the James Corleone table (i don't know why but some tables have name plates). It overlooks the Suwannee River. We've sat at that table every time we've ever gone there. But it only seats 4. I'm still chuckling that the last time we went there we were a family of 4... 

Chris & I get our favorite breakfast bowls; Paisley gets French toast (she says the French toast is okay, but mom makes it better). Aubrey & Riley get pancakes; Bailey gets some pieces of Riley's pancake.

After breakfast we head back to the cabin to pack the car. The kids run wild while Chris & I load up our stuff. 

Get buckled.

Shut the gate.

Make plans for our next visit to this magical spot in the woods.

Snuggle babies. Not phones.

How do you even start a blog post when your last one was 3yrs ago?!

I'll just jump right into it. No use blowing smoke.

In the wee hours of the morning, this morning, I had the thought that I needed to step away from social media. I mean REALLY step away. Not for a day or a week, but for a year.

Social media has been such a GIANT presence in my life for 8 years. I was on FB long before that, but about 8 years ago was when I started my first social media-based business. My life has never been the same... and not in a good way. 

I've wanted to step away from social media for so long. I think about it constantly. I think about throwing my smartphone in the trash. I've researched flip phones so many times. I even ordered an old-style Nokia - it ended up not being compatible with Verizon.

I've deleted everything but the necessities off my phone; and really, is any of it necessary? I kept crap like our bank app, chik fil a (HAHA), our internet provider app, healthcare provider apps..."necessities."

I've been so hesitant to really let go of social media because so many of my "friends" are there. So many homeschool groups & various things use social media exclusively.

 

But, it's time. It's time to cut the cord and be free.

Free to snuggle my babies and not my phone.

It's time to figure out who I am. Who I am when I'm not being influenced by social media.

That sounds so dramatic, and kind of pathetic. But that's the truth. What would I do or think if social media had absolutely no kind of influence on my life?  

I'm just done, ya know? I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of the hold it has over me.

So I'm signing out. I'll be here, on the blog - I hope. I'm going to try. No promises. But I won't be there.

I'll be tendin' my man, my babies, my garden & my chickens. Maybe forging new friendships - in real life friendships. I'll be staying home. Going on adventures. But I won't be documenting it on social media platforms. I'll take pictures because I want to. Not because I could share it for likes.

The long awaited, much anticipated birth story of Riley Ann

Monday 12/16 was like any other day; we went to my Moms house to hang out & do laundry. We came home, made dinner, cleaned up the kitchen and then I was in bed by 8. I didn't do anything strenuous and I had no inkling that labor was only a few hours away.

I'm not sure if it was a contraction that woke me up, or if I woke up and then had a contraction. Either way, I woke up at 12:30 and had a pretty good contraction. It wasn't overwhelming - but it was different than the braxton hicks I had been experiencing for the last several weeks.

I tried to go back to sleep but I could not get comfortable; I continued to have contractions every 7-9 minutes (I never actually timed them, but this is my guesstimate and what I told my Midwife when I called her). I was having to pee every couple of minutes it seemed, and I was also have lots of bowel movements; which I had read or maybe I had heard on a podcast that having bowel movements in early labor is totally normal. It's just one of the ways your body is preparing for labor. On my last pee trip to the bathroom there was some blood when I wiped (mucous plug maybe?). I literally laughed out loud and said, "Oh. yep. This is the real deal." Until this point I was still unsure whether or not this was real labor.

By now it was 1:45am - I woke Chris up and told him what was happening. He agreed that I needed to call Rebecca (my midwife) and let her know what was happening. She lives about an hour away from the birth center so we needed to give her plenty of notice. Chris was not in a hot hurry to deliver another baby by himself at home (poor guy is slightly traumatized from Aubrey's birth.)

He also text his brother to let him know what was going on. Paisley & Aubrey were going to be going over to Jeremy & Amy's house while Chris & I were at the birth center. Initially we were planning on taking them over to their house, but my contractions were started to get a little stronger and I didn't think I could ride that far in the car. Honestly it's only 5.5 miles one way, but it was just to much for me to handle then. We opted to have Jeremy come and pick them up, and honestly it worked out for the best.

As soon as Jeremy picked the girls up Chris & I headed for the birth center which was a whopping 2.3 miles away. We strategically picked the campground & birth center based on their proximity from each other - Again, this proved to be a wise choice.  I had one contraction in the truck, one as soon as we pulled into the parking lot & another one as soon as we walked into what would be our birthing room. They were definitely getting stronger & closer together. Every 2-3 min, I think.

As soon as we got into our room Rebecca had me lay on the bed so that she could check my vitals and check Riley's heart rate. This was just about the extent of any monitoring that was done. I did ask if she needed to do a cervix check and she said "No, this is your 3rd kid. You are in labor. We are good."  After that was done she said we were free to roam about the cabin. LOL, kidding. She didn't say that - but she did say that we were free to wander around because no one else was there. FYI: It was 3am.

Rebecca asked if I wanted her to start the tub? I said I would wait a little bit longer to see how things went.

I think I had maybe 1 more contractions before they really started to ramp up in intensity. I wasn't feeling pressure but I wasn't able to do anything other than breath and moan through the contraction. My preferred stance was leaned over the bed while swaying my hips. I went to find Rebecca and asked if we could get the tub started.

She said "yep. I heard you in there." I'm going to break from the story here to tell you how much I LOVE Midwifery care. It is like no other care. Every single visit was like visiting family. I wasn't just a patient number or a dollar amount.

It all starts to get a little fuzzy now - Rebecca go the tub going. At some point I got in. As I was getting in the tub Rebecca told me that I could absolutely deliver in the water but that I couldn't bob Riley's head up and down once her head was out. I would have to keep her head underwater. (I'm here to tell ya that this sounds much easier than it actually is!) (The reason for this, i think, is that as long as she stayed underwater she was still "breathing" through the umbilical cord - but once she came out of the water she would take a breath and obviously she couldn't go back under the water.)

 Rebecca checked Riley's heart rate and commented that my sacrum wasn't opened up yet so we weren't quite there yet. She also said something like it could be an hour or it could be 20 minutes. (click link to see what I mean about the sacrum. be warned, maybe not safe for work.) The very next contraction was crazy. I felt a ton of pressure and I could feel that I was going to need to push very soon. Rebecca said, "Oh, it could be 20 minutes then."

Each contraction after that one was intense. I tried to remember to breath through them and to stay relaxed, which was quite difficult. I also tried not to scream. Later, after Riley was born, I commented to Chris that I tried not to scream. He laughed and said I was pretty loud.

I really have no idea how many contractions or how long it took to get Riley out. I know that part of her head was out (OMG THE BURN) and Rebecca asked if I wanted to feel. I said yes & started to reach for her, but then said no - Rebecca encouraged me to feel her head.  THAT WAS WILD.

I also had to change positions from kneeling to laying on my side. I can't remember why; maybe to help keep her head underwater. I feel like it took FOR-EV-ER to get her head all the way out. THE BURN. Lord have mercy, the burn.

and then the sweet sweet relief when she was finally all the way out. WHEW. We did it again! Riley Ann was born in the water on 12/17/2019 at 3:47am -A mere 45 minutes after we arrived at the birth center. Phew!

Just like with Aubrey, we did a delayed cord clamping. We let the cord stay attached until it had completely stopped pulsing. Per Rebecca, this is typically when the placenta has detached and is ready to be delivered. I hated this part with Aubrey & it was equally as awful with Riley.

After that was all over with I was able to get out of the tub and into bed. A BED. Not an icky hospital bed, A REAL BED! I loved being able to get into my own bed after Aubrey was born - but a nice cozy bed at a birth center was great too.

I realize this is getting lengthy - but I'm going to write it all out for the sake of my memory..... 

The one thing that we didn't have, that we needed, was food. I did manage to throw some snacks and drinks into a bag before we left but I hadn't planned on what I would actually eat after she was born. I knew I needed a meal, but I never made one. I was planning on making some kind of quiche and then just heating it up at the birth center, but I never go around to making one. SO, when the time came that I needed to eat I had a banana & a kids chobani yogurt squeeze thing. That was enough so that I could take some ibuprofen.

Because we were staying so close to the birth center Chris was able to run home and make us some breakfast. So he went home, cooked up some egg sandwiches and came back to the birth center. Best egg sandwich EVER.

When he got back the Midwives (Rebecca & her student, Mary) got to work taking all of Riley's measurements. So by this time i think it was probably close to 530 or 6. So we were able to just chill and cuddle for several hours before they did anything with Riley. Again, Midwifery care is THEE BEST. 

As with Aubrey, I didn't think Riley looked big enough to be 9lbs, but lo and behold, she was. 9lbs on the dot! Again, blew my mind! I guess I need to see an actual tiny baby to realize how big 9lbs actually is. 

Eventually everyone cleared out and Chris & I were left to relax. We had the option to leave at the 4hr mark, but we opted to stay and relax there for a little while. Chris had to leave again and go get our car from his brothers house since that's where Riley's car seat was. We ended up leaving the birth center around 9:30am - just 6.5 hrs after we arrived.

seclusion instills peace in my soul

This past weekend Chris & I took the kids up to his family's property in Levy County, which is sort of in Northwest-ish Florida. The property is located about 1/4 mi from the Suwannee River & is covered in beautiful pines, oaks & cypress tree with a small area that used to be a Peach Orchard back in it's prime.

The "cabin" is a 2 bedroom gem. I don't know the exact dates; the property appraiser website says 1969 so we will go with that; Chris' great grandpa H bought the property & built the small home for his family. I don't know this as fact; it's a version I've been told.

The walls are covered in antique pictures & wall art; owls, kittens, chickens & a wall hanging that displays a huntin' dog with a duck in its mouth.  The wood burning stove keeps us warm on cold nights; along with a few space heaters. There is also a window unit for a/c, but we don't visit when it's hot. The state bird (the mosquito) will carry you off in the summer months - or really any day when the temperature is above 65* - The woods cabin has turned into our winter retreat. We love going up on weekends when the daily high will be under 60. Bundling up & tromping around the old peach orchard and through the trails is among our favorite things to do as a family.

At night we light a fire in the fire pit & roast marshmallows for s'more. We pull the Adirondack chairs out of the shed for a cozy place to sit while we enjoy the fire and stargaze. The nights are so dark that you can see far more stars than we could ever see in the city.

When morning comes we bundle up & head off for the Treasure Camp; a restaurant with a few groceries & a boat ramp. We sit at the same table every time we go, the Michael Corleone table (Godfather, anyone.) I don't know why the tables have nameplates, but they do. Our table is at the back of the restaurant, closest to the river. On warmer days you'll see boats racing down the Suwannee towards the Gulf; this weekend though, there are no boats. It's really windy, cold & the river is higher than usual.

On this particular weekend, after breakfast, we headed into town to run a few errands. The water pump in the cabin needed a new part & we needed to get a few groceries for dinner. I generally try to pack all the food we will need, but in this case, we wanted steaks for dinner and I thought it would be better to buy them when we got up there. The trip to town is about 25 minutes (i just googled it; I would have sworn it was closer to 40.. it FEELS like 40.) each way, so, we try not to make it more than once.

After we return to the cabin we let the girls run around while we do random chores around the cabin. I'm straightening up from the previous night & Chris is fixing the well pump.

The days here are fast & slow. We move slower but time flies by. I often find myself thinking about what it would be like to live there. Secluded in the forest. My soul feels like it can finally rest here. My brain is free to dream. There are no to-do lists. I read as much as I can, I journal as often as possible. I go for walks with my family. I enjoy life. I contemplate why I feel so much peace here?

At the end of every trip, I find myself scanning real estate website searching for own own piece of paradise. Our own property in the woods where we can run away and hide from the drama of the real world.

Hello There! 


Much has changed since the last time I wrote! I didn't read the last post, so I don't even know what was happening but I'll fill you in on what's been going on over the last couple of months.

The biggest thing is that we sold our home in Lakeland!! It was on the market for 30 (very stress filled) days! In those 30 days we only had 4 showings - that alone was stressful. As the days drug on, and we had very little interest I continuously told myself "it only takes one."  It only takes one showing to sell your home. Plus a whole lot of prayer & guidance.

I only thought those first 30 days was stressful - The 30 days after we went under contract was even worse! Moving is not fun in a normal situation but our situation was ANYTHING but normal! Not only were we moving out of our home but we were moving into a travel trailer. a 36' travel trailer. 288 square feet, to be exact.

From a 2100 sqft house on 1/2 ac with a storage shed & a garage to a 288sqft travel trailer.  Yah. Bring.On.The.Stress.

Thankfully I had the foresight to sell most of our big belongings before we even listed our house for sale; it was the smaller stuff that drove me crazy!

Bye-Bye Crestwood Street 

Hello tiny livin'

We've been in the travel trailer full time for just about a month - We stayed in my Mom's house for the first month. We slowly moved our stuff into the camper & set up our new home.

I think we have adjusted pretty well - It's only been a month, so I don't have much experience under my belt....ask me in a few more months.

I will say that the hardest part, for me, has been sleeping. I sleep terribly. Aubrey is Aubrey. She's not a big sleeper. Her wake up time is 5:15am - every day, no matter what.

Other than that, I don't feel like a whole lot has changed. We have less stuff, a lot less stuff. We play outside. We play LOTS of playdoh! Color lots of pictures! Trips to the playground are fun. We love SeaWorld & we love playing with cousins & friends!

We LOVE SeaWorld! We took Liam with us for a fun-filled cousin day! 

We went camping in our pop-up for 4 days with our best friends the Kemper Fam 

Oh, and Paisley got a horse! His name is EZ! 

 We also spent 6 days in Daytona Beach when Daddy had to work in Port Orange! 

Overall, this has been a great move for our family! We are enjoying the intimacy that living in close quarters creates. The kids don't argue any more or any less. They have plenty of room to play. I think most people would be surprised at how much space they actually have & how much they actually need. They don't miss any of the toys we got rid of - mostly because they never played with them anyways.


It's been great catchin' up! See ya soon.

Harn's out.

Not that simple

"My spirit is weak within me; my heart is overcome with dismay." Psalm 143:4 

"Answer me when I call, God, who vindicates me. You freed me from affliction; be gracious to me and hear my prayer." Psalm 4:1

I wrote a few days ago that I had been convicted of my social media use. It has become an idol in my life. Taking up to much space in my heart & mind. Social media can be great. I have met some good people & great friends through the use of different social media platforms, but it can also be a place of hurt. 

It's not hurt caused intentionally by other people. For me, it's the hurt of comparison. It's seeing pictures of Mom's having fun w/ their kids & wondering why I can't feel that way too? It's wondering what is wrong with me? 

It's all sorts of things that make me feel so completely inadequate in every aspect of my life. It's this gut-wrenching feeling of guilt every single waking hour of every day. Guilt that I'm not doing enough. Guilt that my kids aren't learning enough. Guilt that they watch too much tv. Guilt that we don't play outside enough. Guilt that they eat PB sandwiches every frickin' day for lunch because I just do not have the energy to argue with them about eating a dang vegetable. Fear of asking for help because I'll be judged. Fear of asking for help, because maybe the person I'm asking doesn't really want to help. 

Today it occurred to me that I'm <maybe> struggling with depression.. and social media isn't helping. I am not blaming social media, but the constant stream of what comes across as constant happiness & perfection is just too much for my soul. 

After Paisley was born I struggled with depression. I went to the Dr & she gave me Lexapro. I felt better. I eventually stopped taking them and all was well. After Aubrey was born, I had the same struggles. I got another script for Lexapro. I took them, and I felt better instantly... and then I stopped taking it. and started. and stopped. and started. and stopped. 

I felt like this was just a hard season in our life, that we are going through some stuff, making some big changes and that's why I was anxious & short tempered. NOT because I was depressed. I didn't need to take the meds. But, actually, I do need to. I'm not a Dr. I don't pretend to be a Dr, I will see a Dr. in June. 

Some people will not understand this at all. They will think it's as simple as not comparing my life with others and simply realizing that what people choose to show on social media is only a small sample. 

Some people will think this is dramatic. That's fine. They are them and I am me. This is about me and where I'm at. 

I'm sharing because this can be a really lonely and scary place to be. I know there are other Moms who have similar feelings but maybe that haven't been able to put it into words. 

I'm leaving social media. I have to. I will still be here, writing. But I won't be on FB or IG, or anywhere. It's what's best for me. For my family. For our lives. 

You can subscribe via email & that will alert you when I've posted something new. Otherwise, I'll see ya when I see ya. 

xoxo

jena

He said No

I've been a Christian all of my life. I was baptized at a young age & grew up in the Church. I went to Sunday School, youth group, youth camps, conventions, etc, etc, etc.

I did all the things. But I've never felt like I had a relationship with Jesus. I believe in Jesus/God/Holy Spirit. I believe in The Word, but believing was about as far as it went.

I've never been able to quote scripture or really depend on the Bible in my day-to-day life. In the last several years I have sought God when I/we were going through a tough season. I would start a Bible study & start praying. As quickly as I sought God, I forgot God. I still believed, but I just stopped talking to Him and stopped reading His word.

That's been the pattern of my life for quite a few years now.

In my last post, I wrote about how I recently started attending a church. Again, the need for Jesus came from some feelings of desperation. I've been struggling with things for so long; certain situations have come to a head & they feel out of control. I can no longer do it all by myself.

For as long as I can remember several people in my life would say "Pray about it" when a situation would arise and I/we weren't sure what to do; I've always understood that praying is a conversation with God/Jesus, but it seemed that I was the only one doing the talking.

How do I know when our Lord is telling me something? Writing in the sky? A definitive sign? Flashing lights around the right answer? Like many people, I felt like I needed a physical SIGN showing me "right" answer.

Recently someone told me (or maybe I read it somewhere) that I could find God in the Bible (no kidding, right?) I would find the answers in scripture; which sounds nice but then the question of HOW presents.

How do I know where the answer is?  The Bible is long and complex.

On May 7th I started a new Bible study called return to refuge - I'm following along with the ladies who write for the First 5 app  the study focuses on the minor Prophets of the Bible (Nahum, Habakkuk, Zepheniah, Haggai, Zechariah & Malachi)

Twice in the past weeks, God has given me answers I've been looking for. I definitely didn't think I would find them in some Old Testament books but sure enough there they were.

In the book of Habakkuk, God said to me, "Be patient. I am working." 

I have recently been thinking about a new business venture; I was sure it was something I wanted to do. I even told myself I deserve something that's just for me. I talked it over with Chris, and God Bless him, he was supportive. Even after the debacle that is/was Lularoe.

Last night I started to feel really unsure. Then this morning I was reading the first chapter of Zepheniah, and reading over/answering the questions in the study guide and God said No.

Jesus told me that these things were taking up "His" space in my heart/mind. They were becoming idols. He also showed me that social media & achieving the "perfect" body had become idols in my life.

I came across this verse when I was doing some more reading on idolatry, "Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs."

I have been searching for who I am for so long. It has consumed me. It has cost me a lot of time, sanity, and unfortunately a lot of money.

But who I am doesn't lie in the things of this world, and that gives me peace.